The Fast Road to Phnom Penh

Kathy's idea to take a boat to PP was brilliant. The alternative would have been:

or...

"Brand New Speedboats, Comfortable Seats, Toilets..."

We were expecting a 10-passenger boat ("brand new speedboats... 10 seat featuring as well comfortable seats and toilets'[sic] facilities", the advertisement reads). In fact before we got to Chau Doc, we were asked three times "whether we still wanted to do it" — because we had to pay for the minimum of four passengers. We did indeed. 

We'll, because there were only two of us, they substituted (but didn't tell us about) a nice but "cozy" (in the real estate sense i.e. small) American made boat of about 15', driven by a 150hp Evenrude. We sped between 20 and 40 mph the whole way. "Comfortable seats" can be only so comfortable at that speed. But it was expedient. No promised toilets, no real space to maneuver with our luggage and us. The "captain" sat in his chair at the wheel, steering the boat with his hand (or sometimes his foot) while simultaneously propping up two, twelve gallon jerry cans of gasoline (which were leaking on the carpet) with the other foot. From time to time he'd get up to attend to the awning or some other distraction — without letting go of the wheel. These caused him to veer wildly (fortunately the river is wide). But it was expedient.

Hurdling up the Bassac — the start of a novel experience

First, we were cruising up the Bassac River toward the Mekong at 40mph. We're probably going twice the speed we'd be on Viet roads, and there's hardly any traffic to impede us. Expedient.

The three steps (Emigration, Immigration, Customs) that one goes through "in passing" at originating and destination airports — were 3 separate river stops in quick succession, each lasting 30+/- 15 minutes. A Victoria Hotel employee took care of all the details. We lay in plush chairs, with beautiful maidens and handsome man-servants feeding us peeled grapes while we sipped exquisite French wines imported for just this occasion. [OK, I made that part up. We sat on bamboo chairs, but at least we were out of the sun]

"Have a nice trip" 

After getting all our paperwork taken care of, the "guide" took leave of us. He hadn't so much as introduced himself before the trip, I guess it was fair to blow us off at the Cambodian border. We hadn't bonded, no group hug or anything. Non-English-speaking Boat Captain, Kathy and I continued to head up the Mekong River. Before he left, Guide left us with chilled hand towels to fortify us for the arduous journey ahead. Or something like that. (Nice touch in any case).

We passed many villages, mostly small, thatched buildings on stilts over the river. No water buffalo (in contrast to Vietnam); a few cows here and there. Many people waved and smiled despite our distance from the shore: white skin is novel and identifiable at a distance (as is a fancy speedboat).

City Sighted

At about the time predicted by the guide, the scenery along the Mekong turned "city". Some fancier houses with real roofs and some painted concrete buildings. It seemed likely we'd reached Phnom Penh. Non-English-speaking-captain wasn't going to tell us, for sure.

"This is where you get off" 

After a few minutes more, our captain headed toward shore. We were expecting a Port, of sorts — but never having been to Cambodia before, had no idea what "port" was supposed to look like. We were coming up a long, concrete wall (20' high?) pitched at 45 degrees between land above and the river. Every 50' or so there were stairs instead of smooth wall, leading from the river, up to the roadway. No words spoken, but it was obvious this was the end of the journey.  Without ceremony, we and our luggage were were dumped off at a random set of stairs and subsequently ignored by the captain. Our stuff was sitting on these little steps, just a little imbalance would have sent our bags careening back into the Mekong. With my money, my digital camera, my PC. What, me worry?

Where's the Hotel Car? And where's Kathy??

OK picture it: these two Caucasians with large noses (one with an especially prominent nose) show up on the shores of the Mekong River in Phnom Penh, Cambodia — at what turns out to be a popular bathing (as in "wash", not as in "sunbathe") spot in the Mekong. It's not at all clear where a hotel car would wait, or why anybody would depart their boat there. I did get to see how Cambodians bathe discretely in the Mekong.

We ponder the situation momentarily, while groups of fascinated Cambodians circle around us to ponder our existence in their outdoor bathing spot. We draw straws (i.e. Kathy decides): Scott will guard the luggage from potential Khmer Marauders, Kathy will "go look for the driver". And she does.

Four hours pass. 

Ok it was only 40 minutes or so, but gosh, she was just "going to have a look around". Where the hell is she? ["Lying in a ditch somewhere"]. Well, she's managed to find The Port (at least we were ditched within a mile of it), and had set out looking for the hotel car driver.

Meanwhile, the boat from Siem Reap (this is where Angkor Wat is) has arrived in port, and 150 close personal friends have disembarked and are looking for their driver. And Kathy is waiting outside the port gates, unable to get inside. You're supposed to arrive here in your boat, not walk to the place. Who knew?

She manages to get inside the gate eventually, and locates the hotel's car - but no driver. No one knows where he is. And there are a couple dozen drivers and hotel touts jostling among the arriving Siem Reap masses. Kathy searches for the driver while the crowd slowly wanes; after the port empties, he shows up, having been searching the riverfront for us. However, he speaks no English and Kathy can't get him to understand that "we must rescue Scott, downriver".  Eventually, a translator is found. She remembers that I was waiting near where there was a W.C. building (water closet — toilet). But there are several on this shoreline.

Hours pass. Minutes pass. All of a sudden, Kathy, looking distraught, almost power-walks by me... in search of... me. The end of this particular "adventure" is near.